I used to be addicted to waiting until the last possible second to pass.
In short track speed skating, I could take the lead at any point in a race. Get out front early. Control the pace. Manage the risk from position one. That's what smart skaters did. That's what every coach I ever had begged me to do.
I started winning too easily.
So I'd wait. Linger in fifth or sixth position. Let the pack compress around me until we were all inches apart. Give myself impossible odds with two laps to go. One lap to go. Half a lap to go.
The worse the math, the more alive I felt.
A French Canadian skater grabbed me after a race once, genuinely concerned: "Apolo, you're playing with fire, man. Eventually you're gonna get burned."
He was right. I knew he was right. One blade catch at 40 mph and I'd go into the boards so hard I might not get back up.
I kept doing it anyway.
My coaches fought me on this for years. They showed me the tape. They ran the probability calculations. Why give up a guaranteed win for a 60% chance of victory?
Here's what I couldn't tell them:
I needed that feeling. The edge. The "this might not work" terror that made everything sharper. Winning from the front was too clean. Too safe. It didn't prove anything.
I call this "The Edge Addiction"—and it's something I explore in keynote speeches with high-performing audiences. There was a paradox running in my head during every race. Two voices, completely contradictory, both screaming at once.
The first voice: You're so good you can win from anywhere.
The second voice: You don't deserve to be in front. Only underdogs are allowed to win.
I've seen this same pattern in founders and executives I advise. The ones who blow up good deals because they weren't dramatic enough. Who create crises because stability feels threatening. Who can only perform when the building is on fire. They're addicted to the edge just like I was.
As an inspirational speaker on risk and peak performance, I help leaders recognize this pattern in themselves. Executives who blow up deals at the finish line. Founders who self-destruct the moment success becomes real. People who are only comfortable when things are on fire.
When I work with leadership teams on sustainable performance, we often have to address this addiction directly. High performers often build their identity around crisis management. Take away the crisis and they don't know who they are. So they create new crises—often unconsciously—just to feel alive.
Sometimes the thing that makes you great is the same thing that's trying to destroy you.
I never completely fixed this. After fifteen years, I just got better at seeing it coming. Got better at choosing the smart play even when danger was calling.
Some addictions you don't cure.
You just learn to live beside them without letting them run your life.
About Apolo Ohno: Apolo Ohno is a sought-after keynote speaker and leadership advisor known for translating elite performance principles into practical leadership behaviors. His work focuses on authentic leadership, executive presence, and the Gold Medal Mindset - helping executives and teams perform with clarity under pressure, communicate with conviction, and lead with credibility when the stakes are high. In his keynotes and workshops, Apolo helps leaders identify the unseen patterns, narratives, and habits that quietly limit performance, then replace them with a repeatable system for focus, resilience, and decisive action.